Conversation with a Drunk

The following is a transcribed account of a telephone conversation I shared with my mother - May 18, 2015.

Phone rings.
Incoming call.... MUM

" 'Allo, Mum...”
“Mmmm.”
“Mum, you OK?”
“Nah, not really.”
“Why, what's wrong?”
“I'm pissing blood all over the place.”
“What do ya mean you're pissing blood all over the place?”
“Well I am! I've cut all my arms open!”
“You're pissed!”
“Yeah, and you're on HEROIN!”
“What's that gotta do with anything?”
“Well it's the same, innit?”
“It would be if I phoned you up saying I'm pissing blood all over the place.”
“Yeah well I am! It's everywhere.”
“And what can I do about it? Why phone and tell me that?”
“Cause I thought you cared!”
“Even if I cared what the fuck could I do? It's obviously just to worry me.”
“Yeah, all right Shane! HEROIN!!! HEROIN!!! HEROIN!!! HER....”
“Mum, Shut the.....”
“HEROIN!!! HEROIN!!! HEROIN ABUSER!!! HEROIN!!! Don't fuckin' like that do ya!”
“Jesus.....”
“Yeah, Jesus Christ, Superstar, walks like a woman and he wears a bra! Heard it all before. You don't care if I'm dying do ya?”
“If you're dying phone somebody else... someone nearer. By the time I've got through to England and got an ambulance you'll be dead. You're wasting precious time even now.”
“Nice Shane, nice! Well at least I now know who fucking cares!”
“If it was that serious you'd have bled out already.”
“What? Bled out??? You're fucking evil you are!”
“Yeah, it only takes a few minutes. What did you cut your wrists with? A spoon?”
“Er, yeah... all right Shane.... all right.....”

She was about to close the phone. She loves closing the phone. I beat her to it and cut the line before her.

Text Message.
Outgoing → Dan (brother)

Shane: Dan I've just had Mum on the phone, drunk, saying she's cut her wrists open. I told her to fuck off and killed the phone. X

Dan: She's been drunk everyday lately. Not sure what's up with her. Have made an effort to go and see her more but she just tells me not to bother. Do you think I should call. X

Shane: Yeah she phoned me drunk yesterday saying how lonely she is.... turning other people's tragedy into her own. Yeah, you should probably phone just to be sure. But knowing her she'll not answer now so as we think she's dead. Let me know. X

Dan: Tried calling but she doesn't answer. Maybe she's sleeping it off.

Shane: Sleeping it off? Drinking it on more likely. I'll try.

Phone call outgoing → MUM: no reply
Phone call outgoing → MUM: no reply
Phone call outgoing → MUM: no reply

1hour later...
Phone call incoming → MUM

“Mum?”
“Yeah, 'allo.”
“So you're still alive then?”
“Yeah. I'm sorry Shane. I'm just so lonely.”
“We're all lonely Mum.... half the world is lonely.”
“Yeah, but I'm here all alone.”
“That's no reason to phone me up over here and say you've sliced your wrists open.”
“Well I have.”
“Even so, why phone and tell me?”
“Well, you do the same, Shane!”
“When have I ever done anything like that?”
“Well ya phoned up when that fucking Anne left ya!”
“I was upset. But I didn't say I was pissing blood all over the place.”
“It's the same fucking thing Shane!”
“How is it?”
“Well it is... what the fuck can I do if ya girlfriend's left ya!”
“I didn't ask for help. Just a voice.”
“Yeah, same thing!”
“OK. I'm not gonna argue. You should phone Dan.. he's probably worried.”
“Why the fuck would he be worried?”
“Dunno, but he is.”
“Ya ain't fucking phoned Daniel, 'av ya?”
“I texted him.”
“Shaaane! What did ya fucking tell 'im for!”
“He's a right to know if you're pissing blood, Mum... and he is closest to you. It's him who'll have the horror of finding your body.”
“Shane you're never gonna come home are ya?”
“I've told ya I'll be home soon.”
“Yeah, Puggy thought that!”
“Well, I'm not Puggy. I'll be home this summer.”
“Promise me.”
“I just said, didn't I.”
“Shane, I miss you.”
“Mum, phone Dan.”
“Why should I? It's not your fucking phone bill is it!”
“It'll only cost about 10p.”
“Yeah 10p YOU'LL NOT BE PAYING!”
“Just phone him!”
“I might.... I might not.”
“Grow up Mum, you're 65.”
“Yeah, I'll grow up when you grow up!”
“God, are you for real? You should get back on the gear... the methadone at least.”
“Yeah, you'd fucking love that wouldn't ya! Then I could start sending you stuff again. 8 brown every fucking week then having ya give me the silent treatment when it's fucking late!”
“Or when you spend the money on crack and say the letter must've got lost.”
“I've NEVER done that... NEVER!!!”
“Well you have-- you admitted it last year.”
“Did I???”
“Yeah.”
“Well, only once Shane! You've done the same!”
“When have I ever.... leave it. Phone Dan, Mum.”
“I will after I've mopped this blood up.... it's everywhere.”
“Are you still bleeding?”
“.....yeah...”
“Where?”
“My face.”
“Your face??? Thought you'd cut your arms open?”
“Yeah, well I socked myself in the face as well.”
“Oh, well.”
“Nah, I didn't really. My arms are bleedin'.”
“Put some alcohol on them.”
“Are you being funny?”
“No. Alcohol is good for cuts.”
“You're being funny, 'int ya?”
“No, I'm not. “
“Shane, I love you. You don't know how much I love you.”
“I love you too, Mum.”
“Yeah, bet ya can't wait till I'm dead though!”
“Why? You haven't got any money. What benefit would your death have for me?”
“Yeah, that's nice. If I had a few bob ya couldn't get rid of me quick enough.”
“What's wrong with that?”
“How do you know I've not taken out life insurance to leave you and Dan with a few quid once I'm DEAD!”
“Have you?”
“No.”
“Well in that case, I want you to live.”
“I need to somehow stop this bleeding. Think I've some elastic bands in the fridge.”
“Why would you have elastic bands in the fridge?”
“Er... not the fridge... the cupboard... the drawer.”
“Oh. That makes more sense. But how's an elastic band gonna stop the bleeding?”
“Well don't they say on all them TV programs to tie the limb off?”
“That's normally for amputations or severe shark bites. The minimum requirement is a severed main artery. Is your artery severed?”
“By the amount of blood it is.”
“You'd be dead if it was.”
“Yeah, as you keep saying.”
“Mum, clean yourself up and phone Dan.”
“OK. I love you Shane.”
“I love you too, Mum.”
“Bye Shane.”
“Night night, Mum.”

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